The New Year...

The New Year. It's a time to be happy right? So why am I so sad? I just don't understand. I am incredibly blessed. I have a great family. I have a few good friends and a lot of acquaintances I care about a lot. I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge. I have a car to drive me where I want to go(most the time-I love you little Geo keep plugging away!! another year under you extremely small belt!)Sorry the Geo needs encouragement from time to time and she hasnt been driven in a week and a half :(. Anyways. I live in a small but safe town. I have 2 jobs that I say I need but would be just fine with out. I get to go to school to get an education so I can make a living later on. I have never made any "big" life changing mistakes. I have the best church family a person can ask for. I have a Lord that gave His son for me! for me! This piece-of-crap human. I can never thank Him or praise Him enough. For everything. He is the reason I have all these things I have. I'm a lucky girl and I have a life many would die for! I am blessed. So why can't I just be happy with what I have? Why am I so depressed all the time? Why can't I just ignore the things that are trying to get me down? What's so bad about my life? Nothings that bad! My parents are divorced and mom remarried to a man that kind of scares me. I worry about her all the time being in North Carolina-1400 miles away-because what if something happens to her? I've lost 3 siblings. I didn't know that you could miss someone you've never met so much until we lost Jacob. But even that is a bit of a blessing. It gave me a little bit of insight into how God must feel. He loves us when he has no reason to. I love Jacob when honestly I don't have reason. That's not in a bad way its just that Ive never met him so it doesnt make sense to love him. Thats the way I think it is for God. He loves His people when all they do is shame Him and deny Him and rebuke Him and disobey Him and sometimes hate Him. He is big enough to take it but wouldnt you get tired of it? Ok that was a bit of a bunny trail. What else bad has happened to me? My grandpa is dying of lung cancer. I look up to him a lot and love him dearly. I will miss him so much when he is gone. One of my "best friend" decided to become a drunk hussy(thank you Haley for more appropriate wording than I could come up with) and when I called her out on it she decided to hate me. I've lost many "best friends" because of the person I am. I guess I can be difficult to put up with. I have lost 3 of the most important people in my life in the past few months. Dave had been gone for 3 months and Willie and Haley have just left. Honestly I am not coping well with that. I am very lost without them. I just don't know which direction to go. I don't have anyone to look up to anymore-within a reasonable distance. Closest is nine freaking hundred miles.Yes I know they are going to stay in touch-well sort of- but it's just not the same. This is going to sound dumb but seeing them every weekend is what got me through the week. They gave me the strength to do what I needed to do when I didn't have the faith in God that He would do it. Theyre my best friends.So I've had to go through some storms but my life isn't bad. So why am I so bitter and angry and depressed? I hate these feelings inside of me but they just won't go away! Why wont they go away God?!?!?! Please make them go AWAY!!!!!!!! but they just dont. I am trying my hardest to shut the voices in my head up so I cry out to you tonight on the New Year's Day my God! New Years in a time to start a fresh(fall afresh on me ;) ) A new beginning. I really need one of those. I usually dislike New Years resolutions. I find it just another way to break a promise. Because honestly, most resolutions dont actually happen. So I have decided to make a list of goals I have for this year.

1.Pray daily-I need to expand my prayer life if I am going to expect anything from God
2.Read through my Bible in the year 2010. I find that I get bored reading it straight through so I have decided to just skip around. If you have a favorite book you would like to suggest that would be great. I will try to read my Bible daily but I can't promise myself it will happen.
3.Discover who I am in Christ-I want to do deep studies in the Word and try to discover more of what God wants from me. I'm not really sure how this one is going to go due to our current youth group situation.
4.Change my attitude-I want to, no I NEED to, start showing people love.I need to start loving people radically and unconditionally like I am called to do. I want to be a happier and more lovable person. Because I know I can be hard to deal with sometimes, but I don't want to be a pushover either.
5.Find my calling-what is God truly calling me to do in this life He has blessed me with? To do this I must follow through with number 1!
6.Save for college-I need to save better :(
7.Blog faithfully :)
8.Make a difference to someone who needs me-I want to lead someone to Christ.

I'm sure there is more. But I'm gonna just stop there. Even typing this is really not making me feel better. I am still incredibly sad. I have a pounding headache and I am all alone out here in the living room listening to a song with the lyrics of "I'm not alright. I'm broken inside. That's why I need you" I know who they are talking about but I think of someone else. Thats what goes through my mind. As I sit here all I want to do is cry. Happy New Year.

Sometimes

I decided that before I put any of my depressing and sad writing on here I better post this song. It's one of my favorite songs. Skillet has yet again found the perfect lyrics that I relate to fully. So here they are. I will bold the parts that really hit home for me.

Sometimes by Skillet

Sometimes when I lie
I know you’re on to me
Sometimes I don’t mind
How hateful that I can be

Sometimes I don’t try
To make you happy
I don’t know why I do the things I do to you but…

Chorus
Sometimes I don’t wanna be better
Sometimes I can’t be put back together
Sometimes I find it hard to believe
There’s someone else who could be
Just as messed up as me

V2
Sometimes don’t deny
That everything is wrong
Sometimes rather die
Than to admit it’s my fault

Sometimes when you cry
I just don’t care at all
I don’t know why I do the things I do to you but…

Bridge
I want someone to hurt
Like the way I hurt
It’s sick but it makes me feel better

V3
Sometimes I can’t hide
The demons that I face
Sometimes don’t deny
I'm sometimes sinner sometimes saint.

Here's some of my own "sometimes"(please don't judge me and be scared)
-Sometimes I don't want to try
-Sometimes I want to give up
-Sometimes I just want what I want-no matter who I hurt
-Sometimes I am selfish beyond belief
-Sometimes I think everyone hates me.
-Sometimes I want to do something incredibly stupid like drink or have sex or cutting just to show that I can and I that I'm not some boring prick that does nothing wrong.
-Sometimes I am funny.
-Sometimes I dont feel loved.
-Sometimes I wish things would just go back to the way they used to be when I was truly happy. And that was the last time Dave, Willie, Haley, Jessie, Amanda, Rachael, Riley, and Maddie were all together and having fun and learning. Without all of us there things just feel empty.
-Sometimes I doubt-ok- I doubt a lot.
-Sometimes I hate myself.
-Sometimes I hate.
-Sometimes all I want to do is curl in a ball and die.
-Sometimes all I have the strength to do is bawl.
-Sometimes I am incredibly happy.
-Sometimes I think I have depression. Like the real stuff.
-Sometimes I look forward to the future just so I can get away from the present.
-Sometimes I am shallow.
-Sometimes I take my frustration out by lashing out at people(I apologize).
-Sometimes I say incredibly stupid things.
-Sometimes I hate being a Christian.
-Sometimes I am a human being.

The Broken, The Beaten, and The Blind.

Ok about my writing. Like my poetry type writing(it's different from blog like writing). 1. It doesn't usually rhyme. I generally write in free verse. 2. The moods of my poems vary A LOT. One day I might write a happy thing and the next something dark and depressing. Cuz thats just how i am. anyway. this is a pretty depressing one-I'm sorry but maybe it will help someone. It was kind of how I got the idea for the title of this blog.

The Broken, The Beaten, and The Blind
The pain burns in my chest.
I'm so tired of this.
The burning clouds my mind.
I am broken beyond repair.
Is there any hope for the broken?
I don't think so.

My heart is a caged, wounded animal.
Beat over and over again.
It throbs and aches.
All I want to do is weep.
Will my heart heal?
I don't think so.

My smile has disappeared.
When I smile, now, it is fake.
My life is fake.
I can't see through this darkness.
Can anyone help me see?
I don't think so.

I don't think so.
There's only one thing
For the broken, the beaten, and the blind.
One antidote.
Will you come save me?
I didn't think so.

My First Blog-oh boy!

Well obviously I'm new to this whole "blogging" thing. So bear with me. I decided to get a blog for a few reasons. First is because I love to write. I write when I am happy, sad, angry, confused, hurt, and just everything. Writing is how I express myself. If I care about you, I will probably write about you or actually write you something. I believe that I am blessed with my writing because it helps me make some sense of the world and the mess inside of my head. Second reason for blogging-I want to help people. I am hoping by doing this blog I can reach someone. It would be one of the highest honors if someone is struggling and my words can get them through the day, the week, the month, the year, whatever. I hope someone can relate to what I have to say. Third reason- I'm tired of hiding. Like I said, I write. But I hide it. Many times I am dying to share it with someone, anyone really. but I'm scared of what they will think of me. So I have decided to blog. I really don't know how it's going to go. I hope it's a release for my pent-up feelings. I feel released when I write but then again I don't because I don't show anyone. So it's really pointless to write if I don't tell anyone about it. I want to be honest about how I feel. Anyway- I hope I can help you and help myself by blogging. Ummm. What else to say. I'm a Christian. That's the biggest thing you need to know about me. I love God. but the other major thing you need to know is I'm also a person. I mess up. I get angry at God. Honestly right now I'm not happy with God. But I love Him and praise Him anyway. Because He is my everything-forever. I wouldn't be the person I am without my Lord and Savior. I'm going to stop there for this post because I plan on doing a post about my faith later. Ok the last thing I need to say is actually a disclaimer. I can't promise that everything I write is going to make your day or make you feel better. Because I'm kind of a train wreck right now. I can't promise that everything I write won't scare you. As I said I'm going to try to be honest. For me that means not censoring my writing. If I'm in a fury then you will get to read about my fury. My thoughts scare me sometimes. So i can only imagine what they may do to you. The one thing I will promise is that I will only post what I am really feeling and thinking. My blog is titled the Broken and the Blessed for a reason- It describes me completely. If you want to know who I am that's it. I am broken.Sometimes I feel I'm broken beyond repair. I am blessed- I know that I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. All I am asking of you is to not be too quick to judge me. Because this whole blog thing might be a bumpy ride. So lets go!

-BB
p.s.- BB is my nickname. Stands for Baby Burgin.